LILLY JENSON
THURSDAY, 9TH OCTOBER 2008
11:57
LJ ON ...

I've just been really bad and done something I shouldn't. Anyway, to that in a minute... I'm round Josh's house. After everything that's happened, I knew I had to go and apologise and I did yesterday, only to be greeted with Summer and Ollie. Seems as neither of them should have really been visiting, I felt really gutted that they were both there, and in a moment of paranoia wondered if they had all hatched a plan to well and truly screw me over. Not the case, at all, but anyway I was even more gutted to hear the nurse call Summer Josh's girlfriend. Then it seemed that Summer had told the nurse that just to get in the good books, and I was surprised when Josh spoke up and told the nurse I was his girlfriend, not Summer. Technically not true, well, not true at all, but anyway...

So then Josh had a big massive go at me about what Corey did to him, which I really didn't blame him for - he's got every right to be mad at him because it's down to me that he didn't get his place in training with my brother, especially as Corey said he had definitely already given it to him. I was just about to turn to leave when Josh called me back, and he was stood there next to me. His eyes were really soft and I knew he felt guilty about anything. I couldn't believe it when he went to kiss me and the nurse interrupted, telling him he could go home. I helped him with his things and we got a cab back to his house. I felt really awkward going in at first, with everything that had happened, but I cooked him some dinner and made sure he was okay, and got the impression he wanted me to stay a while.

Anyway, I ended up telling him about me and Ollie. He asked, and I didn't want to lie to him. It felt good to tell someone about it, someone who I knew would really care - I know Camps is always there for me but sometimes she's too wrapped up in her dream world to really make a difference, bless her. I sat down next to Josh and next thing I know I've woken up this morning in the same place, with Josh asleep next to me and his laptop open on his lap. I took it so I could catch up on things and email tutors telling them I wouldn't be in today, and couldn't help noticing his blog page up. I didn't even know he kept a blog.

So I know it was kind of wrong for me, seems as I guess it is kind of private - well mine is anyway, even though I know some people read it - I read some of his entries. It actually almost made me cry. After reading them I realise how much he cares about me, and how cut up he was about what happened with Summer last week. I think he's still a bit mad at me for doing what I did, and I'm still mad with him for doing what he did, but reading his blog I just... I didn't realise he was such a big softie. He's always this macho, cool guy with a confident smile and good jokes and wonderful charm and when we went out on those dates I got to see him in a better light but even then he still maintained his cool, strong character. It's kind of nice to see that different side to him.

I don't know what's going to happen from now on but hopefully things will start working themselves out. I know I need to go and talk to Camps and sort things out but right now in Josh's room I just feel really safe and welcome, and I like that.

Labels: LILLY JENSON