LILLY JENSON
FRIDAY, 12TH SEPTEMBER 2008
20:15
"LILLY JENSON ON ... LOVE"
Today didn't go so well. I feel so upset. There's a new shopping centre opened in town and I hadn't been there yet so me and Jamie decided to meet there to do some shopping and go for lunch. I thought that seems as we haven't really seen each other for a long time, we'd have so much to talk about, but I was so wrong.
I met him outside the new H&M and to anyone else he looked oh so gorgeous in some tight jeans, a blue cardigan and white pumps. But to me, there was just nothing there. I felt hardly anything at all when he bounded up to me and gave me a huge hug. I feel so terrible and confused, but I can't lie to myself anymore. It's just not there. He looked too try-hard, as if he knew that he was there to salvage something.
I feel so awful, because he made an effort, offering to buy me things and paying for lunch, but to me it just seemed as though he was going through the motions... he didn't really want to buy me that new cardigan, but he was so used to buying me things that he just picked it up off my arm and took it to the till before handing it straight over to me. He didn't once tell me I looked pretty or that he was glad to see me again properly, the small stuff doesn't seem important any more.
So we went around the shops for a bit although I wasn't even taken in by the new stores. Usually I'd be so excited about the coats and boots and winter clothes in all of our new fabulous shops, but I wasn't even fazed. Jamie bought me a new coat and cardigan and top and leggings all totalling £158, and even though I argued and argued, he wasn't having any of it and just swiped his Visa through asthough he was purchasing a Starbucks.
All throughout this time we hardly said a word to each other, just small-talk and gossip. I think Jamie was fine just walking along hand in hand in silence, but a comfortable silence for me isn't comforting any more, it's... boring. There's no excitement between us, and it just shows that if we can't have an exciting time together after so long apart then what is there left?
I know that I'm going to break his heart, but I'm sad about it too. We've been together for almost three years, ever since I was 17. We've grown up together, and I love him very much I really do. He's kind, and caring, and gorgeous, and lovely, and we're so good together - everyone always tells us we're the perfect couple - but I just don't feel it any more.
So now I'm home and looking at all of these gorgeous clothes he's bought me, wearing the necklace he gave me for our first anniversary, the watch he bought me for my 20th birthday, the photo frames of our happy faces all around my room. We even chose to go to the same uni so that we could be together. Looking back at it now we were so happy, I just think we've run our course, however much it's going to hurt us both.
Argh.
Labels: LILLY JENSON
