LILLY JENSON
SUNDAY, 5TH OCTOBER 2008
13:58
UNTITLED

I think I need to hide away and never come out again, for the rest of my life. I have never been more humiliated by all of the people I love and trust. I've never been more upset and felt so alone.

I knew something was going to happen, I could just tell; everyone was on edge, all of my friends looked concerned for me, and all of the randoms stopped talking whenever I entered a room. And it wasn't because I was wearing Alexanda McQueen.

It's all a bit of a blur at the moment, mostly because I can't bring myself to think about it...

The night was going perfect. Jordon drove us all over to Manchester and we checked into the hotel [which Josh didn't let me pay for - guilty conscience?] Our rooms were more or less next to each other and me and Josh got settled in ours. We were laughing and joking and having a great time, I had a shower ready and he helped me into my dress. I was so pleased with the way I looked, my dress was really casual but gorgeous and my hair was poker straight. Josh wouldn't stop telling me how beautiful I looked, and he really made me smile. When I came back in from the bathroom Josh was standing topless in the bedroom. And he has the most fantastic body I have ever seen. He's so broad and due to his rugby, he is absolutely ripped. Six pack and all. Totally tanned, toned perfection, and he doesn't even know it. He looked really shy, and then I was shy when he caught me looking. Anyway, he pulled me over for a kiss but the door knocked and Jordon burst in, greeted with the sight of my hands around topless Josh's neck, him just about to bend his head down to kiss me. Cue another embarrassing moment.

Anyway, we all got ready and walked round the couple of blocks to Ollie's house. I was really nervous and didn't know what to expect from Ollie, I didn't even know what to expect from Josh; were we allowed to hold hands? Kiss? Or just act as friends?

I shouldn't have been worried because things were really comfortable all night, apart from the little whisperings going on behind my back. I just put them down to rumours about me and Josh being together, and didn't worry about them too much. Everyone got really drunk and the party spilled out into the garden, and me and Josh found a quiet place to sit and have a little kiss. He was quite drunk but was still so nice and gentle and ahh he was amazing. He really was.

As soon as Josh got up to leave, Ollie came over and sat down in his place. It was quite late and both of us were really drunk, but I told him that I didn't want to speak to him. Like before, I didn't want to ruin the good night we were having and I didn't want to argue. But Ollie was having none of it, telling me that he needed to apologise before he went home, and that he really regrets what happened and never meant to hurt me, and can't believe that he- and then Josh interrupted. He had been stood there the entire time, with two drinks, in his hand, whilst Ollie blurted out that he shouldn't have done what he did to me. Josh looked curious, and not in a good way, and he asked us what we were talking about. I told him nothing, but he sat he had heard what we had said, and wanted to know what Ollie had done to me. And then Ollie just admitted it. I couldn't believe it, he stood up and admitted that at Josh's birthday party, he had forced himself on me in our hotel room and we ended up having sex. Josh went mental, absolutely crazy. He grabbed Ollie and threw him to the floor, and I tried to get him off but couldn't. They were best friends, I couldn't believe they were fighting and I hated the sight of Josh punching my best friend, but I just felt so helpless. But then Ollie said something that made Josh suddenly stop - "well we all have secrets don't we, I'm not the only one". I looked up at Josh as he looked at me, before letting go of Ollie and starting to walk away. Ollie called after him, asking him if there was something he wanted to tell me. My heart was beating really fast and I couldn't really keep up with what was happening. But I went after Josh and took his arm and asked him what Ollie was talking about. He denied knowing anything about it, but Ollie kept persisting, saying that if he was going to be in the shit with me for his secret, then Josh was going to be too for his secret. I kept asking Josh what secret, and I could see that he was clenching his jaw to stop him from getting upset. Then Ollie gave in, and told me that whilst Josh has been dating me, he was also sleeping with Summer.

I thought it was some sick joke at first until I looked at Josh and he looked as though he was going to be sick. I couldn't believe it was true; Josh tried to start explaining but I didn't want to hear it; I couldn't believe it, he's been sleeping with Summer? I didn't want to know anything else. I felt sick and I just had to get out of there. Everyone was looking at me in the garden, and it clicked; everyone knew. I asked Josh, if everyone knew, and he said he honestly didn't know. And I believed that. But I couldn't believe anything else that came out of his mouth, or Ollie's. Camps came rushing over to me and I tried my hardest to keep my tears in, mentally telling myself that no one was going to see me cry. I managed it, telling Camps what had happened, but her face dropped and I realised that she knew as well. And then I felt broken; betrayed by the three people I loved more than anything in the whole world.

I rushed inside, and there was Summer stood in the doorway, smiling smugly like she had been doing the day before. I slapped her. Really hard, because she deserved it. I didn't stay to see her or anybody else's reaction.

I was back at the hotel within five minutes, but Josh had the key. I sat down outside the door to our room as I tried to get everything to sink in. I realised that everything he told me must have been a lie, else why would he go and sleep with Summer? The ultimate betrayal. We weren't exclusive, not at all, we were merely dating so to sleep with anyone else would have been his business, but Summer? They had probably planned it all along to screw me over.

When I next looked up Josh was stood in front of me, out of breath with his chest heaving, mud on his clothes from his fight and tears in his eyes from guilt. He handed me the key, but I couldn't take it. He had nowhere else to go and neither did I. I pushed myself up from the floor, and remember feeling really dizzy. As soon as I got into the room I was sick in the bathroom, and straight away felt Josh by my side holding my hair and rubbing my back. But I flinched at his touch and he moved away, standing in the doorway. I grabbed a flannel and washed my face, staying sat on the floor by the toilets, not daring to look up at Josh. I still hadn't cried, and was determined not go. I tried to push myself up but felt too dizzy and almost fell back down again before Josh grabbed me. I tried to get out of his grip, but he wouldn't let go of me and helped me onto the bed.

It was silent for what seemed like forever, and Josh sat next to me. I didn't look at him, and I didn't cry. Finally, he started to explain, and I just listening without saying a word.

He said that it happened only the once, on thursday. And it only happened because Summer had set the whole thing up with plans to seduce him. I can't remember anything else that he said. I just remember wanting to go to sleep and block it all out. I remember standing up, turning to Josh and telling him that he had no self-control or self-respect. His face was so sad as he looked at me, but he knew where we stood. I took my dress off, not caring whether he was looking or not, and turned the light out before getting into bed and trying to go to sleep. I heard Josh shuffle around a bit, before settling somewhere other than the bed. And only when the room was filled with complete darkness did the tears fall.

Jordon drove me back to Sheffield this morning. When I was, Josh was asleep on the coach. I think the only reason he didn't wake up was because he didn't get to sleep until the sun came up - I heard him trying to get comfortable all night. Jordon didn't ask any questions, and I didn't tell him anything. I was so grateful for him driving me home, especially as he had to go back for the others.

I tried to get to sleep but it's not worth it. And I should have known it wasn't worth falling for a guy like Josh. I should have known he was too perfect to be true.

And Summer got her perfect plan sorted. I'm not up for the games any more; she's hurt me more than she ever can.
She's won.

Labels: LILLY JENSON